Sex and the Doppler Effect

The grass is not always greener! That's what the Doppler essay below is all about. And nothing says it better than this video.

I'm told there are about nine single women for every single male in the Bay Area. The best guys here are often gay. But, sometimes I look around at how predatory both men and women have become, and I understand why its so hard to find a few good people out there. It seems objectification has reached ridiculous extremes.

That thought inspired this essay. Here is an updated version of the essay that was first written on 1-30-08 and published in The Huffington Post that same day.  I would love to hear your comments:

The Doppler Effect and sex in the city

In Wallace Stegner’s Pulitzer Prize-winning novel, Angle of Repose, a wheelchair-bound historian looks back into his family’s frontier past. It includes a meditation on “The Doppler Effect,” which led me to consider how this scientific principle could apply to something seemingly unrelated—animal attraction. With dozens of single friends looking for the perfect partner for horizontal repose, a nagging thought consumed me. Could “Doppler” be synonymous with “duped?”.

Doppler Effect-the frequency shift of the signal in relation to the relative motion of a source or an observer.

The Doppler Effect is, as Stegner explains it, what happens when something moving toward us seems louder and ever-more full of energy than the same object moving away from us. If you recognize the word “Doppler” it may be that you paid attention in high school physics, or because it’s now ubiquitous in local news weather forecasts for tracking storms and showing speed of movement on “Doppler Radar.”  Stegner, writing in 1972, used a train in his example of “Doppler.” This put some coal in my boiler and the wheels in my brain began turning.

Consider the roar of a train coming in your direction. According to “The Doppler Theory,” when the source (the train) is moving toward the observer (a man or woman ) the sound frequency increases. This is called the "Doppler Shift." Now, consider the relative quiet sound as the train’s whistle passes -- leaving for new destinations. While pulling away, a train is often described as emitting a lonely, forlorn sound.  According to “The Doppler Theory,” the sounds of the whistle change as it passes because of changes in wavelengths.

Doesn’t this sound a lot like what happens with an object of desire?

Fresh meat, the “object,” approaches and, like the theory, emits a high frequency “sound” that creates rapidly colliding energy molecules; in this case, sexual energy.  The person left behind with little more than a churning gut and the sound of a forlorn whistle, no longer pulls at the heart strings of the one now chasing new frequencies. Wavelengths have changed as the old object fixates on the new higher energy frequency.  All this happens in the subconscious, hardly noticeable to anyone but the used goods now a distant-lonely-whistle-blowing-country-western-song.

Hank Williams:

I was ridin’ number nine
Headin' south from caroline
I heard that lonesome whistle blow
Got in trouble had to roam
Left my gal and left my home
I heard that lonesome whistle blow

Ole’ Hank had a hankering and didn’t know why. He never considered the frequency of the signal emitted by the moving object—someone new and different on a collision course with a beloved. Doppler Effect=apple-bite.

So, how exactly is a nice girl supposed to survive this Doppler Theory world?  A woman taught to take time getting to know an object of desire doesn’t stand a chance. Consider the woman who was taught to meet the family and know the guys middle name before becoming intimate. She's just a sad lonely caboose without a chance against a new high frequency train moving across a crowded room.

In this often predatory, prestige-driven, money-mongering world—a wedding ring or a commitment can be cancelled out by The Doppler Theory, a push up bra, mini shirt and stilettos heels or worse-- a bespectacled, clever, intelligent woman of substance. Ouch those hurt! 

Stegner compared “The Doppler Effect” to the body’s inevitable weaknesses leading to deterioration, but perhaps when the whistle blows in a crowded room a train wreck of another sort might be in the making.

I’ll never see that gal of mine

Lord, I’m in Georgia doin’ time

I heard that lonesome whistle blow.

Here is another op-ed:

Britney Spears and Frances Farmer

Comments

[Scott]

Hello Leslie,

I just happened upon this and had to comment. I have met many people and had many good relationships. I have been observant along the way. I married when I was 27 and really hoped for what we all do. I wanted to raise a family and live happily ever after. Naive to the difficulty of doing that. Relationships are hard and marriage even harder. We all have our 'stuff' we bring to the table. The thought that love could overcome everything was strong in me. I tried and I worked hard at it. We had a beautiful boy(the best thing in my life). Unfortunately, we split when he was 18 months old. I still admire those couples and their kids I see around together. I appreciate how lucky they are. Which increases my dismay as I observe the behavior of both men and woman around me. Priorities of the predators. Not only the single but the married. I have met and spent time with so many people. Yes, your description of the Doppler rings true. The energy as we watch them coming and the energy as they go is so different. None of us seem to be fulfilled by any one person. I myself struggle with this. I am getting better though. Rarely does the train look as good or the whistle sound as sweet when it does come in to your station. I have met many woman whom I though to be the perfect locomotive on their approach. Unfortunately the fresh paint and that sweet whistle are all that they brought. I laugh at myself when I think about the hope and excitement I could see over these people I barely knew. My deepest connections and the ones I feel most secure in are the ones that have developed slowly and not entirely because of my choosing. It turned out that these people where the deepest and most capable of sustaining a relationship and helping me to do the same. It saddens me, the apparent lack of real deep connection that we share with the people we choose to partner with. Yes, we objectify people for what they have, how they look and what they can do for us. Not that any of this will sustain a real relationship. I know both men and woman to whom nobody will ever measure up. Always waiting for the person who they think is truly deserving of the wonderful person they think they are. Even while in a relationship, constantly scanning the room to see who is looking at them and if they could 'trade up'. Uncomfortable for all of us, not only woman. What appears at first glance to be the hottest thing going is not always so hot when you find that the same energy that drove you to them in the first place is not just reserved for you. Crazy how we can find that exactly what it is that we find so attractive can be the same thing that ultimately drives us away.

Keep up the good work!

[Dominique Bourdier]

Well said Leslie ...and great words and soooo....true..Having been raised in Europe..And a straight man...we don't know which way to go around...Connecting with the opposite sex is quite a challenge in the Bay aera...Assume you go out with a male friend..right...and very often you end up back home and lonely ...This is a gay town...so as a result you end up dating in foreign lands...I have leaved almost 20 years in the Bay Aera...
The fact and the matter is too often ..Movies..Medias does a poor job...the man is the a predator and the woman is a bitch ..So as a result isolation and loneliness ..We really have to think ourselves as human being and how do we reconnect each other...but it takes a lot of work, people are commited to their job and morgages and they are miserable... Kiss

[leslie griffith]

shelly, thank you for taking the time to write this. I am hoping more and more young women are coming to this site. perhaps they will learn something from your comment.

leslie

[Shelley]

Hi Leslie, love the new site! The Doppler effect is a pretty good way to explain relationships, and I wanted to pass on something else I learned. I'd been married very young and consequently was oblivious to dating and cads. We divorced after 19 years and I was clueless. Initially the guys thought I'd be desperate but I was clear that I didn't need random sex, I needed a friend. Some lost interest and some stayed on pretending to be friends, hoping for more. All were married or had girl friends. Two pretenders realized one day that I was a person and they could trust me - they became true friends who weren't afraid to speak plainly and often confided in me.
One day I asked why they made such a big deal about skinny models, among other things, and they said it was just to project an image. I said, "you mean we (i.e. women), are doing this to ourselves? All this time I've been blaming men for how women are treated and we've actually been competing with lies?" He said yes - it didn't matter if we were fat, skinny or average, just as long as we were ok getting naked. I realized that if he weren't my friend he wouldn't have said that. In guy talk he was saying it's ok to be less than perfect and that was an epiphany. This female competition also explained why all my married women friends weren't so keen on having me visit anymore! (That made me very sad) Seven years later we are still friends, tho I'm still not dating. I've managed to keep my girl friends but now we have lunch instead of visiting at home.
I'm ok with it because now I know what I want. Before I only knew what I DIDN'T want, making it impossible for people to get close and thus see people for who they really are. It's not easy to take time to know people and it can be very painful as you know from your work. Human nature is to avoid pain, which could be why it's been so easy for MSM to shield us from reality. I respect the sacrifices you've made to get your messages out and the pain you've experienced in the process. Bravo!